What is this life? You open yourself to what ought to be a new beginning, new experience, you go through that ecstatic faze in your mind about reinventing your own existence and the next thing you know – you’re sitting in a restaurant having a full on panic attack for no logical reason whatsoever.
And when I say full on panic attack, I literally mean it in every sense of the word – balling your eyes out in front of dozens of innocent observers who probably just came for a glass of wine or two after a Tuesdays work shift, not expecting to see a theater worthy drama show right in front of their noses (and if you’ve ever been to Nando’s before, you know how close those tables are).
It was weird, humiliating (although, people tried not to pay attention but nevertheless you catch that sympathy look or two which you just don’t need right now) and so unexpected. I’m usually not a kind of person to show too many emotions in public, or in general as a matter of fact but…it happened. And I could sit here now and tell you that it was an eye opening, an aha moment etc. but…it wasn’t.
It’s Thursday, so only two days have passed and I still hate every nano second of, what turned out to be (counting the occasional pauses) an hour long agony. I felt weak and angry at the same time. I could feel the rage consuming every cell of my body, I wanted to turn tables, break dishes, I wanted to scream, shout and let it all out.
My friend, who I sat at the table with, apologized for causing such an intense emotional response. It was really weird that moment you know. Obviously, I told her she couldn’t have known, for Christ’s sake it even took me by surprise, but I realized I get that a lot – the pushing and the apologizing. I read a quote that stuck with me few months ago:
“I stopped explaining myself when I realized people only understand from their level of perception.”
I have to admit I linked that quote with ignorants, those kind who just refuse to broaden their mind, egocentric, narcissistic and narrow minded people who you just don’t want to be associated with. And I was wrong. It happens all the time, with people that surround you, your loved ones, your family, your friends, people of trust, smart people. And in despite of their best intentions, cause there is no doubt about it, it’s THEIR level of perception. They are not you, you are not them. We can’t claim to know what’s happening in other peoples heads. We can try to understand, let someone mourn for a while and they will pick up themselves up eventually. They don’t need you to push them doing something at your pace, on your conditions. They’ve already got their own self imposed demons to deal with. If everything could be so easy and logical all the time, we would be emotions free, robotic kind of creatures with WD40 in backup to reboot ourselves occasionally.
Be there with them in a moment, try to understand and just be a human for a while. Empathy goes a long way, at least for the time being… Lynyrd Skynyrd have known it all along… A Simple man.
This photo is taken at Supermac’s few days before – couldn’t really get myself to take my camera out considering the state I was in.